Shut the Barn door

When I lived in the UK I had a different trajectory. I studied law and German, went to law school to become a solicitor and secured a traineeship in North London. To qualify as a solicitor in the UK at the time, two years as a trainee was required before you could become a fully fledged solicitor.

I accepted a traineeship in a small private law firm in North London that had a couple of partners and a large workload. I was soon put to work and given my own files and cases, under the supervision of the swamped and more often than not intimidating senior partner.  I felt lucky to get legal experience and have autonomy, some of my fellow law graduates had left to do traineeships with larger and much more noble firms but were stuck doing endless photocopying and making cups of tea. 

My traineeship was a lot of work and responsibility. I logged all my hours down to the minute. At the end of the month I needed to be able to account my working hours to particular case files and give feedback on progress to the senior partner. These logged hours were almost exclusively paid for by the client. I did not want to waste their money on my own incompetence, so I tried to make every logged minute count or spend time after my 'expected hours' to review and check. There were a lot of long unlogged after work hours until I found my feet.  

But time went by very fast, I often took work home or would stay late especially before a court date or closing. Even on days I did not take work home, I would spend time at home worrying that I had made a mistake, missed something or was not quite up to the work I was doing. I often felt lost and overwhelmed. I doubted my skills which in retrospect was perfectly normal as I was fresh out of law school and should really have had more mentorship. 

I could and did do it though with a lot of grit and the help of my wonderful coworkers. The doubt I had was a self projection brought on by the need to do the best for my client and to be a successful lawyer. 

This self projected belief that I was not enough for my position limited my growth and drained me physically and mentally. I would stay up late and when I did sleep I wouldn't always sleep well leaving my mind and body exhausted the next day. The belief made me nervous and less confident in my meeting with the client or senior partner although I tried my best to cover it up. 

How wonderful it would have been to tell my younger self all I have learned now through yoga.

A couple of years later I married my amazing husband and moved to be with him in the United States. I was a  fully qualified solicitor in the UK but that meant nothing in Virginia where I was living as a newly-wed. To work in law I would have had to go right back into a lengthy study time and I was not ready to do that again, so I looked for another job opportunity.

I found one. There was a job opening at a local event horse farm looking for help. I was an experienced horse rider and thought I would give it a go. The estate was beautiful just as you imagine a horse farm in Virginia. A long white picket fence punctuated the green groomed grassy fields and the inviting firetruck red barn doors welcomed you in with a breeze scented with the wonderful aroma of fresh hay and the warm coats of the horses. 

The main house which was a historical building as it was designed by Thomas Jefferson.  The beautiful warm scented horses were young bright eyed thoroughbreds straight off the track chosen for their athletic ability and mental astuteness. They were eager and receptive to be trained into competition horses. They grazed next to the sleek, muscular and wise already accomplished eventing stars suited with their kind eyes and gracious patience for braiding and grooming. I had found my little slice of heaven. 

With this job there was nothing to take home - no logged hours, no sleepless nights, each day I worked through the list of horses to exercise found their place in the right field made up the feeds for the next day and simply closed the barn door. I slide those beautiful apple red doors closed pulled over the matching red hinge into place and left. The next morning would start a fresh. Nothing ever came home mentally or physically. I left it at the barn door with a deep exhale returning the next day to open the doors and breath in the wonderful smell of fresh hay and warm, silky horses. 

Yoga and mindfulness can help you cultivate this leave it all at the barn door metaphor and use it during your everyday life when you are feeling overwhelmed.  

The intention is not to deny real issues causing your anxiety or your legitimate and real response. The intention of the metaphor is to allow you to find a place of release and calm, a separation of the busy mind with the resting mind. This is a place you deserve. You deserve to take leave of the tensions for a while, to allow yourself to soften, remember your own self worth. To close the door for a conscious moment and allow your body and mind rest before returning. This pause is not a luxury, it is a necessity to live your fullest most beautiful life. 

My wish for you is when you have paused - that you take a moment before you reopen the doors of reality and step inside and pause to take a big inhale. I hope that amongst whatever else you see inside which you are returning to through the door and however intimidating that might be that you return able to see a little more light. Maybe if you inhale really deeply you could smell a little sweet hay and warm silky horses on your horizon. Maybe your shoulders are a little more relaxed knowing that you can close those beautiful metaphoric rosy red barn doors again and take a break soon. 

If you need help finding out how to live the metaphor of leaving it all at the barn door - please reach out. I would love to help you on your yoga and mindful journey.  Please text the number below for dates and times.