I am going to share a secret which was handed down to me by a friend of mine a few years ago. I hand it on to you. The secret has served me well over the years and is aligned with the yoga philosophy I continue to learn. The secret is three small words with a big impact. I would like to pass it on to you and hope it serves you too. 

The secret three words are - “Presume Positive Intent." 

Okay you read it. Are you a little confused ? The three words may seem out of context. Let me explain. If you are confused, angry or upset by something someone else has done you should presume they are acting out of positive intentions. Presume that their motivation was not personal it is part of their own story not yours.

Still confused? Maybe these examples will help;

1.  You are driving home in thick traffic and someone cuts you off. You could get angry and let tension rise. You could project anger onto the driver and fill yourself with hate and stress. If you presume positive intent you can let that anger go. What is a positive intent we can project onto that person ? Maybe they are rushing to pick up a sick child from daycare or maybe they are unable to think about anything but getting home to see a loved one who is in distress?

2.  You are taken by surprise when a friend says they will help you and then changes their mind at the last minute. The unfulfilled promise leaves you vexed and annoyed at your friend and all the extra work you have to do alone. If you presume positive intent you can forgive why they said they would help then didn’t. Maybe they them being worried about an aging parent or are suffering with their own mental health. 

There are lots of situations which could have occurred in these two circumstances which you could forgive. Maybe you would have even done the same thing under their circumstances ? 

If you simply Presume Positive Intent you do not have to make up scenarios about why they might do what the other person did. You can just say those three words in your head. Presume positive intent and presume that person for whatever reason has chosen to do that action at this moment because it was the best option to them at that particular time. 

Their intention was positive to them - in their mind - at that time. There is nothing personal or calculated against you. You cannot control their actions. They are on their own personal journey. They have their own personal lived experience. Their judgments and actions are their own, based on everything which they have been through so far. You should try hard to avoid judging their reactions as you have not lived their experiences. You have lived your own.

This applies to siblings and spouses too. You may have lived in the same house and spent much of your time with them, but you have still not lived their experience. You have not been on their personal journey. You have been on your own.

How you judge others is your own personal journey. You can chose to let other people’s actions bother you or you can chose to let it go. You can be an observer. Observation and not attachment will serve you well. 

When using the three special words - observe - don’t judge the feelings which are activated inside you. What emotions are arising ? Is it anger? Sadness? Anxiety?  Where are you harboring them in your body ? Can you let it go ? Can you forgive yourself for believing that you have attachment to another’s actions ? Can you return to being an observer? 

Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist, spiritual leader and peace activist created a meditation I would like to share with you. Are you are feeling an anger towards someone which you cannot yet justify letting go of. Are you ready to feel different ? Follow these guidelines:

Find a space in which you feel safe and calm. Find a way of making yourself a fraction more safe and calm. Bring awareness to your breath and read the script below:

Breathing in, I know that anger is here.

Breathing out, I know that anger is not me.

Breathing in, I know that anger is not pleasant.

Breathing out, I know this feeling will pass.

Breathing in, I am calm. 

Breathing out, I am strong enough to take care of this anger.

If someone else’s actions bring you sadness or worry. Treat these messengers of sadness and worry as tenderly as you did anger in the meditation above. 

Re-read the meditation above and switch the word anger to the emotion you are feeling at that moment. Resist the temptation to attach to the emotion. Treat the emotion as a messenger to be observed not attached to. If you attach to the messenger - you can no longer truly marvel in the wonders around you or reach true happiness. Treat the messenger conveying the emotion with grace, with curiosity and compassion. Let the feeling go from inside you and release it into the universe around you. The emotion is still there but you no longer need to attach to it. Forgive yourself for this attachment and any attachments you may have had in the past.

To complete a full circle - Presume a Positive Intent for your own attachment to the emotion you felt. Use the same compassionate forgiveness you gave to the person at the beginning of this story. You too are a human in your own lived experience. You have been doing your best with your experience. Now you can do better and in the words of Maya Angelou:

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

Do better for yourself and Presume Positive Intent and practice forgiveness for yourself and the people around you. This way you can reach true happiness.  

If you would like to know more about the teachings of Thich NhatHanh please look here.

www.thichnhathanhfoundation.org