The Emotional Eclipse 

Have you ever visited a location and left feeling completely peaceful? A breeze on a hot humid day or a hidden honeysuckle smell along the trail. This happened to me in Rome. How can I explain?

Have you ever studied a language ? The feeling was like that magical part of learning when you finally break the code: that moment when the blurry, streaming words suddenly blend together into a sentence as you listen. Your brain previously strained but now easily loops together words, plotting them into a colorful chain of understanding. The oratory fog clears and translation emerges from the mist. Maybe you have felt this while solving a scientific formula or a mathematical equation. Sewing, painting, baking everything becomes clear which was previously confusing. Like watching your hand as it wipes condensation from a window allowing you to see a beautiful view clearly for the first time. Things which were hard to focus on become effortless.

Do you read poetry? Because it was similar to the feeling of reading a certain poem that second, third, fourth or hundredth time when you finally understand it in a way so profound that you cannot believe they are the same words which you read the first time.

Do you listen to music? Because it was similar to that one song which touches your soul immediately. A song you do not have to listen to a second, third, fourth or hundredth time for it to touch you so completely and personally. A song which finishes leaving you mesmerized, your heart and mind spinning and  just a little unnerved that someone should write something which affected you so much. Which leaves you eager to hear it  again and when you do it feels like a conversation with an old friend.

Do you read books? Because it was similar to that emotion you feel when you finish a well-written book. When you are reluctant to close the page, reluctant to leave your seat, reluctant to rejoin your surroundings, reluctant to rejoin your previous world. The world of an hour ago, or a few hours ago,  the world before you finished the book. The world which  no longer exists to you because it has pivoted just a little. You want to stay within those finely written words and the afterglow it left you in. Maybe you feign that you have not quite finished, so you can stay suspended somewhere between your couch and fiction for a little while longer.  Well it was sort of like that.

But In Rome, I was not interpreting a language or a poem or a song. I was not finishing that perfect book on my couch and faking that I was not done. There were no words, formula or foreign language to decipher exactly what I did not want to leave behind. Before I started this piece I tried to find the right one word for my experience on this particular day at this particular location. Contentment comes close, serenity, joy, peace? No singular word seems an exact fit; maybe it was more a sentence of emotions. The above metaphors are a good start but they are just metaphors. Without metaphors we would not have the beautiful scope of language which we have. But in this case comparisons are not as accurate as experience itself.

Could I make the emotions I felt into a list? But then the words need to be placed in a particular order. Therefore a list is not right either. What I felt was an eclipse of emotions, an eclipse of metaphors; one emotion aligning with others.

Had I felt this before? I had felt it before; on a summer's day as a student. It was the end of the semester and I had taken my books outside. Taking a break from my revision for my upcoming law exam, I rolled over on my blanket and looked directly up at the beautiful blue of the sky. The summer warmth of the British sun washed over me. The British sun is a more forgiving sun than in the rest of the world, when it shines it does not pierce or demand attention, it is happy just to warm you. It is happy to emerge from the cool of the early morning and be followed by the cool of the evening, it seems undeterred that it will have to start from scratch in the morning, little by little it dutifully edges up the temperature, allowing you to grow into the heat. It does not jump out at you from behind a cloud, or rudely rise, scorching even before you leave your home in the morning.  It does not demand you to move to the shade or insist you reach for your sunscreen, your sunglasses or suffer the consequences. Some days the British sun may not appear at all. Or appear but not make much effort in warming the air. But when it does appear and when it puts in a little effort, it can make the most perfect day. That perfect day when the weather reaches a blissful point and then lingers there for a while - just the sun, just happy to warm you.

So there I was, just me and the sun on a blanket, my hand lapping over the edge onto the cool of the green lush grass, as though I was running my hand along the water on a boat ride. The afore-mentioned perfect sun warming my much younger self. In that moment with my whole life ahead of me, I was content to bask not only in that wonderful sun which had decided that day to shine so perfectly, but to bask in my own sunshine of emotions. Sunshine of emotions ? Maybe that is the right description of how I felt in Rome. I felt the perfect solar eclipse of emotions. I had not traveled; I had not moved more than changing direction but I was fully aware of my surroundings and my enjoyment of those surroundings.

Back to now but pre-Rome trip. Emotions have been colliding not aligning for a long time. The pandemic, politics, everyday life cause colliding emotions: worry, sorrow, stress, hope, love, anticipation, disappointment- all bashing into one another. Collisions of bad: jobs lost, friends lost, schools closed, changed plans, for some, poverty, loneliness, illness, loss and immense sadness.  Confusingly, during the pandemic there were many collisions of happy and sad emotions; being confined to your house but finding more time for you, discovering you enjoyed to cook when you could not go out to eat, losing a job then creating a better future, reconnecting with friends and family on zoom, finding the real you without the stress of everyday normalcy. It was less of a roller coaster and more of a dodgem (bumper car) ride which you cannot control; hitting and bumping along with no end in sight, bruising you along the way.

The definition of an emotional eclipse. An 'eclipse' is not a 'collision'. The definition of an eclipse is the sun, moon and earth aligning. I have seen solar eclipses and even lunar eclipses. They are magical. But, sadly, I am sure I have missed many more than I have witnessed. I feel the same way about the 'emotional eclipse' I experienced unexpectedly in Rome. An emotional eclipse is not exactly the same as the solar or lunar eclipse. You don't necessarily get a heads up on the time and location; you cannot reserve a ticket in the best location to observe. And unlike the lunar eclipse, you don't need to prepare with eclipse glasses.

We did not have to reserve a spot to this special place in Rome. We just had to arrive before 12:30 which is when the volunteer custodians took their lunch. We were simply filling in time before our next scheduled event, this place was sort of in the right direction and sounded interesting enough to occupy some time.

The previous days, we had been to the Vatican, the Sistine Chapel, the Spanish steps, and the Trevi Fountain. We were on our way to the Colosseum, the Pantheon, and the Forum. We had tickets reserved and cameras ready, batteries charged. We were primed and ready for those, big breathtaking, tourist destination moments. They did not disappoint.

But filling in time between those big events turned out to be my big event. All the metaphors I mention above aligned into one. The break through, honeysuckle perfume delight; that heartwarming feeling of recognition from art, poetry, music all rolled into one beautiful eclipse. A British sunshine moment in swelteringly hot Rome. Complementary fragments of pleasure aligned in union. For a moment, I had solved the code of powering up emotion. A code I had not known existed until then and the code unlocked the door to a garden of lovely emotions, one gently placed over the other. For one brief moment, I was transported in time. I once again turned away from my book (this time a travel guide not a textbook) and felt just how good the warmth of travel could be.

Am I fluent now in the language of this now called emotional eclipse ?  Not at all. I have no idea how to reproduce this. You have been reading my journey, you can tell I don't even know how to describe it. But, I will try to be open to it again. I will pause a little more on my journey. In the meantime, I feel extremely lucky to have another moment on this wonderful planet which I can reflect back on and feel content. A lovely impression, laid firmly yet gently in my mind. If I try hard and remember it sometimes, I will not lose it. Like a piece of advice, you did not know you needed and did not seek, but if you listen will change your life. I will seek its council. It is a corner piece to add to my jigsaw. To firmly fix in its position as a corner. Corners have a place on the table, while other jigsaw pieces are sorted into colors and shapes, moved to the side until their permanent place in the picture is decided. Corner pieces are different as they belong from the start.

For a pleasant brief fleeting moment in Rome, as this corner piece was being added to the jigsaw of my life, I was reminded why we roam this planet and what we actually need on our life journey. Travel is not necessarily visiting the huge amazing tourist locations (although those are incredible), there are other destinations which we can reach, which, if we let them, will touch our soul. A silent deer crossing your path, a colorful sunrise, the old man who walks his dog everyday and how he touches her ear while they wait for the light to change. Observation is the key to literacy in the journey to be a most privileged tourist.

Just ticking off destinations is not the true meaning of being a tourist, that is just collecting jigsaw pieces without sorting and placing them. Give each destination, each day, the time it deserves and pause awhile to reflect on how it makes you feel, then carefully, thoughtfully take that memory, sort it into the right color and shape and add it to the table. Remember to remain open to the journeys and jigsaw pieces in between destinations. The places, restaurants, people and moments which fill in the time before that next ticket reservation. Be open to your own version of an emotional eclipse whenever it should come. If on reading this, you can relate back to a moment in time recent and past, near or far when you felt an eclipse of emotions, then you are literate in true tourism. A member of the lucky ones.

Linger a while in the warmth and tranquility of its memory then place it firmly on your jigsaw board.

Sit with it for a moment in its unfinished state and marvel in all the possible pictures you can make on your journey. 

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